Tuesday, June 17, 2014

These Things I Own

It has been said 
These things you own
Indeed, instead, own you

I am unsure 
And wonder still 
Is this completely true

Most certainly
They may become 
A woven part of you

My deepest fear
This mind's invention

The darkest lust
And good intention

My cruel thought
Or kindest deed

Lash out in anger
Give aid to need

The broken promises
The resolved stand

As I pushed them away
Or held out my hand

Oh, bold design
Life's masterpiece

My failed attempts
Like falling leaves

Intoxicated, brooding form
Dark, cold, empty soul

Poor, beating, noble heart
That burns as hot as coal

Mocking little vanities
Cracked mirrored reflections

Wind blown, seeking bourne
In damned, earthly condition

My dirty little lies
Or bold imposing truths

Each testify my worth
When looked at, show the proof

In deepest, dark sequester
Searching, running, free

These things, I own
And, still I ask
Do they, infact, own me?

What do I own?  My life.  All of it.  This place in time or at least, my part in it.  I am not victim to any man or circumstance.  I am not tennant nor prisoner.  This is my life, my doing, my choices.  These are my things, all of them.  I am bound, only in this frame and to my decisions.  What do you own?

Sunday, May 25, 2014

I'm Not OK

I'm not ok
It's hard to say
But, yet I know it's true

The cruel way
My world can be
The pains both old and new

I try to do
What I believe 
Are all the the proper things

Amazing still
How futile now
So many of them seem

I'm not ok
I won't pretend
To make you comfortable

Sheltering you
Is far too much
I am not indestructible

And disrespect
Until I mirrored them

It took a fall
Just breaking down
To be myself again

I'm not ok
So please don't ask
Unless you care to hear

About the building
I must do
To close this gaping tear

I know that it
Will be alright
With time and meditation

But while I build
Don't be surprised
By me and my vexation

I'm not ok
I feel alone
So tired, lost, and stranded

Like wandering
A desert road
Forgotten and abandoned 

Forgive me now
If it seems harsh
My blatant honesty

But while I covered 
All of your wounds
No one was healing me

I'm not ok
But I am strong
I will rebound again

When I can rise
I hope to find
That we are all still friends 

I have spent a lifetime trying to be a hero.  Trying to fix other people, other things, so that I didn't have to deal with my own pain.  The last six years of my life were spent in a very toxic environment.  I endured the ridiculous, trying to do the impossible, and found myself trying not to compromise my own ethics in an environment that was very ethically deficient.  I broke down.  It had to happen; thank God it happened.  At the very least, I am addressing these emotions and these circumstances without my normal filters.  So, if you are my friend, please stand by while I adjust the vertical and the horizontal.  I'm doing some much needed repairs and soon will be fine tuning the man I need to be.

Monday, May 19, 2014

How Long is a Lifetime?

Painting by Robert Ives.
Image used without permission from ivesart.com

Swinging, playing, in the park
What seems like yesterday
I longed to hold on to your hand
But turned and walked away

Then once again when our paths crossed
Your smile knocked me off my feet
Too shy, again, the chance was lost
I journeyed lonely and incomplete

The Springtime, here and gone so quickly
The Summer, came and went
The innocence I once held richly
I fear has all been spent

At every turn, in retrospect
I'd stumble into you
Never once did I expect
That you could love me too

I said I'd wait a lifetime
For you, that touch, your kiss
But I wish now, I'd recognized
The chances that I missed

The Autumn leaves are falling
The Winter closes in
If now I falter and keep stalling
How can I ever win?

How long is a lifetime
That youth is squandered so?
How many chances will be mine
Before I finally know?

So, if I act now, somehow hurried
Break some sacred protocol
It's that I feel the seasons blurring
I soon may have no time at all

The winds of life begin to chill
I see all of the signs
I answer before my heart grows still
This is, my love, life's time

There is a time for waiting.  There is a season for temperance.  But, comes the day when inaction is just lost opportunity and sad, lonely regret.  Can missed opportunity become a most beautiful future?  Carpe Diem

Thursday, January 16, 2014

So They Might Know You Better

Father, I ask for your blessing and Holy Spirit
As I live my life and as I write these verses
Help me explain your mercy as I have come to know it
That it be a true testimony and witness

You came to us from working class poverty
To prove that even the lowest of us can be exalted
Bringing a new law that freed us from slavery
Proof that a soul can not be walled or vaulted

Parables not given as lecture but inspiration
Ideas that shook the earth and caused the skies to open
Lessons not for one people, instead given for every nation
Through enlightened teaching, old chains were finally broken

Judgement turned to kindness and charity
Now between justice and love
There would be no disparity
Here below as promised above

You came and showed us freedom's cost
Responsibility for our lives and those we touch
To hold up a light for those who are lost
And give up even our lives, if it come to that much

The Word made flesh, the essence of  grace
Love thy neighbor as thyself
God's law given a new face
A source of joy and eternal wealth

Through our rebellions and failures
In the darkest hours of despair
It is your love that endures
It is that hope that we can share

Scourged and mocked like a criminal 
Nailed on the Skull Rock to a cross
Darkened skies and earthquake as the signal
Signs of impending victory not those of loss

After three days, risen to walk with us again
Sin and death defeated for all mankind
One price, one final sacrifice, born of our pain
That we would know him better and find our love refined

There are times in my life when I question everything.  My heart has consistently come back to one conclusion.  I am free not because I am deserving of freedom but because the cost of my ransom has been paid.  I believe that all people receive this gift; just as we were bound to sin, so are we freed from it.  I have no judgement, for I have been given reprieve.  I have understanding that my imperfect love can be perfected.  While my worn and weary heart may falter, the source of my love never fades.  God, help me that I always remember to love and forgive, as you have loved and forgiven me through Christ Jesus.