Sunday, May 25, 2014

I'm Not OK

I'm not ok
It's hard to say
But, yet I know it's true

The cruel way
My world can be
The pains both old and new

I try to do
What I believe 
Are all the the proper things

Amazing still
How futile now
So many of them seem

I'm not ok
I won't pretend
To make you comfortable

Sheltering you
Is far too much
I am not indestructible

And disrespect
Until I mirrored them

It took a fall
Just breaking down
To be myself again

I'm not ok
So please don't ask
Unless you care to hear

About the building
I must do
To close this gaping tear

I know that it
Will be alright
With time and meditation

But while I build
Don't be surprised
By me and my vexation

I'm not ok
I feel alone
So tired, lost, and stranded

Like wandering
A desert road
Forgotten and abandoned 

Forgive me now
If it seems harsh
My blatant honesty

But while I covered 
All of your wounds
No one was healing me

I'm not ok
But I am strong
I will rebound again

When I can rise
I hope to find
That we are all still friends 

I have spent a lifetime trying to be a hero.  Trying to fix other people, other things, so that I didn't have to deal with my own pain.  The last six years of my life were spent in a very toxic environment.  I endured the ridiculous, trying to do the impossible, and found myself trying not to compromise my own ethics in an environment that was very ethically deficient.  I broke down.  It had to happen; thank God it happened.  At the very least, I am addressing these emotions and these circumstances without my normal filters.  So, if you are my friend, please stand by while I adjust the vertical and the horizontal.  I'm doing some much needed repairs and soon will be fine tuning the man I need to be.

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