I'm Not OK

I'm not ok

It's hard to say

But, yet I know it's true

The cruel way

My world can be

The pains both old and new

I try to do

What I believe 

Are all the the proper things

Amazing still

How futile now

So many of them seem

I'm not ok

I won't pretend

To make you comfortable

Sheltering you

Is far too much

I am not indestructible

Hostility

And disrespect

Until I mirrored them

It took a fall

Just breaking down

To be myself again

I'm not ok

So please don't ask

Unless you care to hear

About the building

I must do

To close this gaping tear

I know that it

Will be alright

With time and meditation

But while I build

Don't be surprised

By me and my vexation

I'm not ok

I feel alone

So tired, lost, and stranded

Like wandering

A desert road

Forgotten and abandoned 

Forgive me now

If it seems harsh

My blatant honesty

But while I covered 

All of your wounds

No one was healing me

I'm not ok

But I am strong

I will rebound again

When I can rise

I hope to find

That we are all still friends 

I have spent a lifetime trying to be a hero.  Trying to fix other people, other things, so that I didn't have to deal with my own pain.  The last six years of my life were spent in a very toxic environment.  I endured the ridiculous, trying to do the impossible, and found myself trying not to compromise my own ethics in an environment that was very ethically deficient.  I broke down.  It had to happen; thank God it happened.  At the very least, I am addressing these emotions and these circumstances without my normal filters.  So, if you are my friend, please stand by while I adjust the vertical and the horizontal.  I'm doing some much needed repairs and soon will be fine tuning the man I need to be.