Sunday, May 25, 2014

I'm Not OK

I'm not ok
It's hard to say
But, yet I know it's true

The cruel way
My world can be
The pains both old and new

I try to do
What I believe 
Are all the the proper things

Amazing still
How futile now
So many of them seem

I'm not ok
I won't pretend
To make you comfortable

Sheltering you
Is far too much
I am not indestructible

And disrespect
Until I mirrored them

It took a fall
Just breaking down
To be myself again

I'm not ok
So please don't ask
Unless you care to hear

About the building
I must do
To close this gaping tear

I know that it
Will be alright
With time and meditation

But while I build
Don't be surprised
By me and my vexation

I'm not ok
I feel alone
So tired, lost, and stranded

Like wandering
A desert road
Forgotten and abandoned 

Forgive me now
If it seems harsh
My blatant honesty

But while I covered 
All of your wounds
No one was healing me

I'm not ok
But I am strong
I will rebound again

When I can rise
I hope to find
That we are all still friends 

I have spent a lifetime trying to be a hero.  Trying to fix other people, other things, so that I didn't have to deal with my own pain.  The last six years of my life were spent in a very toxic environment.  I endured the ridiculous, trying to do the impossible, and found myself trying not to compromise my own ethics in an environment that was very ethically deficient.  I broke down.  It had to happen; thank God it happened.  At the very least, I am addressing these emotions and these circumstances without my normal filters.  So, if you are my friend, please stand by while I adjust the vertical and the horizontal.  I'm doing some much needed repairs and soon will be fine tuning the man I need to be.

Monday, May 19, 2014

How Long is a Lifetime?

Painting by Robert Ives.
Image used without permission from

Swinging, playing, in the park
What seems like yesterday
I longed to hold on to your hand
But turned and walked away

Then once again when our paths crossed
Your smile knocked me off my feet
Too shy, again, the chance was lost
I journeyed lonely and incomplete

The Springtime, here and gone so quickly
The Summer, came and went
The innocence I once held richly
I fear has all been spent

At every turn, in retrospect
I'd stumble into you
Never once did I expect
That you could love me too

I said I'd wait a lifetime
For you, that touch, your kiss
But I wish now, I'd recognized
The chances that I missed

The Autumn leaves are falling
The Winter closes in
If now I falter and keep stalling
How can I ever win?

How long is a lifetime
That youth is squandered so?
How many chances will be mine
Before I finally know?

So, if I act now, somehow hurried
Break some sacred protocol
It's that I feel the seasons blurring
I soon may have no time at all

The winds of life begin to chill
I see all of the signs
I answer before my heart grows still
This is, my love, life's time

There is a time for waiting.  There is a season for temperance.  But, comes the day when inaction is just lost opportunity and sad, lonely regret.  Can missed opportunity become a most beautiful future?  Carpe Diem