Steve

My thoughts are so disjointed

How could you take your life?

I'm angry, frustrated and disappointed 

Look at all this damage, hurt and strife

Brother, I am sorry you were in so much pain

I feel guilty that you felt you couldn't call

Knowing that I won't speak to you again

Is the most painful thing of all

No fucking answers just questions now

We were the same Goddamn age

Wondering if we failed you and how

Feeling emptiness and rage

These fatal steps can't be retraced

Why Steve? Man, why?

What was the problem that you faced

That made you want to die?

I guess there's no point asking
There's not much left that we can do

Console each other's mourning
Just know this bro; we miss you.




I got the call last night from Steve's brother and one of my best friends, Larry.  I am still in shock these words are anemic at best.  This is how I deal with loss.  I don't know or care if my prose are any good.  I just needed to do something with all this angry energy.  My condolences go out to Steve's family.

I'm Already Here

The Late, Great, Perkin's Palace

This weekend I went to a Heavy Metal show to see Anthrax, Megadeth, and Iron Maiden.  There's an old saying in English "You can never go home again."  This show gave me great pause to consider this adage.  The bands sounded great, and they proved to be truly top notch entertainers but, something was very different.  We are all obviously older but that wasn't it.  As I tried to figure out what I was feeling, it came to me.  I am different.

Years ago I did the "club thing".  I would go to the Troubadour,  The Roxy, Gazzari's, Perkin's Palace, name a dive where the music was live and loud; I would be there.  I even worked as a roadie for bands that would later become enduring parts of the Heavy Metal scene.  In those days sex, drugs, and rock and roll wasn't a catch phrase, it was reality.  I lived life hard and fast and told myself I was having fun.  Then one day I woke up and it was all over.  

Most former addicts or "recovering addicts" will be able to tell you exactly what happened to make them quit or what the "turning point" in their life was.  It was different for me.  I never felt comfortable in my role as a Hesher/ Stoner.  Some might say I was a "Poser", a title that would have infuriated me at the time, but I think I am good with it now.  Whatever the case may be, I awoke from my Rock and Roll coma and decided to take a different path.

I am not going to try and tell the whole story at this point but, today I work closely with Law Enforcement and my life is in a very different place.  Maybe not so oddly, I romanticized the "Heavy Metal 80's" in my own head.  My memories were of a time when the battle cry was "Die Young!" and I was poisoning myself just to the brink of making it come true.  I'm glad I didn't; I still lament the loss of friends who did not make the switch in time.

As I said earlier, the show this weekend was great and a great "eye opener".  I am not the confused kid I was then.  Beyond that, I no longer feel the need to be that kid anymore.  The music and the videos from the 80's will always be enshrined in my heart and I would not change those memories for any others.  That said, I am happier and more at peace with my life than ever before.  Nothing is perfect but it can be good, even great if you choose to let it be.  

This is not a story of "Paradise Lost", it is the story of satisfaction realized.  I will not lament the passing of yesterday's youth.  Rather, I will celebrate my today and the wisdom of time.  I will allow the temples and shrines of my past to stand.  I will walk in the gardens of my memories but, I will never again live there.  The best days of my life are ahead of me, not behind.  If someone says to me "You can never go home again" I will smile and know in my heart, I'm already here.

Roger H. P. Clark

Someday You Will Remember

You hide yourself dear
Someday you will remember
I always see you

I know your true heart

This much I know is certain

Love resides in you

Fighting for control

Someday you will remember

You were always free

Running Far Away

Escape is just illusion

Face your deepest fears

Go now if you must

Someday you will remember

My heart will follow

Spring time through Winter

The seasons of man are short

Time forgives little

One thing will endure 

Someday you will remember 

I adore you  Still

I have been experimenting with an English interpretation of  Japanese Haiku.  I have a deep respect for Japanese culture.  I admire the simplicity, strength and beauty it embodies.  Haiku is one verse with three lines.   Five sounds (In English we adapt this as syllables)  in the first line, seven in the second, and five again, in the final line.  I wanted to emulate the style but as I do not speak or write Japanese.  I thought to add my own flavor to its beauty.  I have written seven Haiku that I believe stand alone and yet share a common theme.  I hope I have done honor to the tradition and the spirit of the style. (RM)

Getting It Right

So many time in my life

I would cling too tight

To ideas, places and people

Holding on with all my might

Soon those things would tear away

Rending bits of soul and heart

Crushing those things that I loved

Until they fell apart

For a time I was misguided

Patron Saint of the rejected

Blinded by my selfishness 

Sitting brokenhearted and dejected

A subtle change emerged in me

A better new perspective

People sometimes have to leave

So love may return perfected

Everyone needs space to grow

Some room to breath and thrive

Being strong enough to let them go

Can keep love's spark alive

It's possible the road may turn

That they could walk away

Wiser, recognize their freedom

Than to try and make them stay

It seems I've finally grown up 

Don't feel the need to fight

The things in life I cannot change

This time I've got it right

Letting go always seemed scary.  Irrational fears of being alone, insecurity, all gone.  I stand a better man.  Life: "You scared bro.?"  Me: "Nah, I ain't even scared." (RM)